November 26, 2004

I Really Don't Know...

I was thinking today, as I walked down the street eating a half melted chocolate one of my students gave me, that it looked so disgusting but tasted so good.

Some of the finer "delicacies" in life are actually pretty nasty. This made me wonder...

If chocolate were actually some exotic (or any) animal's poo, would we still love it?

I don't know if I would but I do know that feces will never have tasted so good.

Posted by karen at 03:55 AM | Comments (1)

November 19, 2004

A Day in the Life of a Japanese Surgical Mask

The following is the story of a Japanese surgical mask as told by a random Japanese man (whose name is NOT Karen):

Ahhh! It is 6am and I think I will wake up at this god forsaken hour and get ready to take an English lesson at 7:30am because I know that is the start of the morning shift at that retarded English language school that robs me of all my money. I know that all the instructors like to teach first thing in the morning but I just can't understand why I have been at the same low level for 2 years.

I have finished an exhilerating (no I don't actually know that huge vocabulary word) English lesson but I never saw the teacher. I think she hid off camera the whole time to eat her breakfast. Too bad because she was cute. She also told me The Eiffel Tower was in New York City. She is so smart!

I think I will take the subway into the city so I can go to shopping. I have no hobbies except go to shopping. Before I go, I should put on my surgical mask so that I don't spread my nasty germs around the city, not to mention to hide my rotting teeth. Golly, how unfortunate that this mask doesn't completely close around the sides of my face.

While I am waiting for the train I think I will remove my surgical mask that is ineffectively keeping my germs from spreading so that I can have a cigarette. Oops! I dropped it on the ground. I think I will stare at it for a minute before deciding (ironically) that it is too dirty to put into my mouth and poison my body. I wll just have to poison my body with a new, clean cigarette.

The train is here! The train is here! (Not as exciting as the new phonebook) I simply MUST be first to get on the train or I will absolutely DIE! Who does this foreign girl think she is standing quietly in line while I smoked my cigarette and hacked up a lung far away from the boarding point? I don't care if she does have gigantically beautiful breasts, I will violently shove her out of my way so that I can be first and take a seat on the end so that I only have to sit next to one person. Oh hang on, I have to hock a loogie the size of a child's head. Okay, now I am ready to push this stunning American girl. Then I will use my barbaric and heinous looks to try and seduce her, perhaps mumbling something in Japanese that she won't understand but that she can only correctly assume is my invitation to fondle her.

Hmmm, she appears to be screaming something in English. Too bad I will never, ever, EVER be able to speak English well enough to understand her eloquent words. Oh, it appears that her very tall and very handsome (in a heterosexual way) boyfriend is giving her stearn looks and shaking his head iie. Now that I see he is there, I will go into the next car and leave them alone.

Why is this car filled with women? Oh! It must be the special "Women Only' car for women to escape dirty perverts like myself. Too bad I am a pompous man who believes that women are second class citizens. Thankfully I can abuse the system and stand here ogling them because this entire country would rather take a beating than confront someone about a problem. It is good to be a man.

Oh, did I forget to put my surgical mask back on? Oops! First, let me cough without covering my mouth. Okay, now I can put the mask back on.

It's my stop. I MUST be first off the train or the world as I know it will come crashing to an end. I'll just push some more stupid women out of my way.

Thank goodness I am off the train. Now I can smoke. It has been a whole 5 minutes without a cigarette and I think I might die. Time to remove the surgical mask again. These people just don't realize the favor I am doing them by wearing this and keeping my germs away from them. After my cigarette, I think I will drink some hideous chilled tea drink. Then I will go to the bathroom and not wash my hands but touch everything around me. Thank goodness for this surgical mask. I am so considerate!

Well, my day is over. I am going home to beat my wife, who doesn't know the name for her vagina and has never heard of a pap smear. Thank goodness she had all those abortions so we didn't have to have children. I'll only beat her after having an affair with a Russian prostitute I found in the classified ads. We'll go to a room at the love hotel for an hour. Then I can go home and beat my wife and demand that she cook me dinner and then I can tell her it tasted like crap.

The world should kiss the ground I walk on for being so kind as to save everyone from my germs by wearing this surgical mask.

The end.

Posted by karen at 06:26 AM | Comments (1)

November 15, 2004

Go to shopping anyone?

The Chinese are really starting to get on my nerves.

The Japanese have been on my nerves since June 17.

I like myself and I like Jed. Most of the time I can't stand myself either.

But at least I can speak English.

The end.

Posted by karen at 09:45 AM | Comments (1)